I’ve been gone for awhile. Not gone gone, but definitely pulled inward. For like…the last 6 years or so.
What started as a time zone barrier in talking to my friends and family as much while I was overseas developed into a deep mental isolation that brought me through levels of myself that I didn’t know existed.
Sometimes it was dark and scary, but mostly it was beautiful and expansive.
Much of it was tied to my feelings of self-worth as they related to my sudden and unexpected dependence on my husband when his career took us to England and mine was stalled as a result.
Compound that with going into business as me, myself & I, after thinking I had my whole career lined out. Degrees. Commitments to service. Student loans out the ass.
I mean, who was I to ‘be an artist’ after so many years of work and dedication to helping others? It was who I was. How could I just start saying I was something else?
I was spinning.
The anxiety attacks had been ugly since Macedonia, and I finally recognized them as something I needed to ask for help with. Something I don’t do much.
My doc introduced me to Zoloft and the world changed. 10/10 highly recommend.
Anyway, now that we’ve been stateside for two years and the time zone barrier isn’t as much of a thing, my tendency to go inward versus touch base or catch up with a friend/family member still wins.
And I have guilt about it.
But I suppose my guilt about it doesn’t outweigh my super intense desire to create a successful business and be an example for other women who have such dreams they wish to fulfill.
I’m hoping to get better at balancing this in the coming years, but it could also be that I just don’t like to talk on the phone as much as I used to 🙂
Re-emerging after a lengthy period of isolation and inner exploration is bumpy, and can feel socially awkward at times.
But I’m working on it, and learning more about my Self constantly.